Being Judgmental....and How To Stop It!!!

I feel like at times I really struggle with being judgmental. Like today, in response to someone's blog, I felt genuinely irritated and judged them to be cruel. My biggest trigger is other people's character. I find myself judging others to be "mean" or "cruel" or "ignorant" and sometimes lose sight of all their other, positive qualities. Because the truth is, we are all mean, and cruel, and ignorant, at times. But those qualities don't define our character as a whole. 

I don't want to be judgmental. But aren't we all, to a certain extent?? How can I negate my judgement?

Here are some ideas: 

1. Focus On The Reasons *Why*. Why are they acting or behaving a certain way? Why do I feel so strongly about it? What are the underlying reasons? For example, I may come across a person who is anti-gay marriage, and that's a really strong trigger for me to basically consider them an "asshole". But they may just be ignorant (which is ok! we are all ignorant about something) about the topic or were raised with really strict anti-gay propaganda. Should I consider them a shit person because of their one belief without knowing the root cause, a cause they may have no control over? No! Which leads me to number 2...

2. Try to Change It. Either change their offending perspective by educating or sharing my opinion in a civil and polite way, or try to change how strongly I feel about the topic by educating myself. 

3. Make Excuses. For them, I mean. That person is having a bad day. That person is just venting their frustrations. That person "doesn't really mean it". Because chances are, at least some of the time, those excuses will be right on the money. 

4. Think Positive. Focus on their good qualities. Appreciate how kind they can be, or how charitable they are. 

Finally 5. Be an Instigator for Change.....on a Grand Scale. If something people do, or don't do, really bothers me, than maybe I should use that energy to do something positive. Fund-raise for causes I believe in. Walk in 5ks. Be open about MY opinion (in a polite and civil way) like for example, waving that rainbow flag or openly discussing trans rights. Instead of just hating on other opinions and judging people's characters for having them, I should stay committed and strong in my own beliefs. Let it put a fire beneath me!

Don't hate on others....spread love, kindness, and acceptance instead. 

Why I Need Therapy

At the hospital, my Doctor said most of my problems (ie schizoaffective disorder) were chemical, so going to therapy is optional. Here is why I disagree...this is why I need therapy.

Once you've seen, heard, and felt demons dragging you to hell, your mind will never again be the same. It doesn't matter how many damn anti-psychotics you throw at it, you can't undue the damage.

Just like you can't erase your self injury scars from depression, or retract the memories of stealing, lying, cheating, spending, or drugging from your risky manic days. 

I think that's why therapy is so crucial. Even when the meds have corrected the imbalances and created a stasis, the wreckage is still left behind, and it takes more than time to heal those wounds. 

 I still am scared to look in the shadows lest I see a monster; I'm still terrified the mumbles in my head will once again get loud and clear and demonic and tell me to kill myself. 

 I still fear one morning I'll wake up and not want to get out of bed....ever, ever again. 

I'm afraid of the times when I didn't shower for weeks or feel anything, really. I'm traumatized by the days I lost my ability to read and words came out scrambled in my brain and in my mouth. 

I wish time were enough. But for me, it just isn't. Once, pre-medication, pre-diagnosis, when I was manic, I met a man 30 years older than me on craigslist. He abused me repeatedly and for years I blamed myself, because I was "stupid" and let myself get taken advantage of. I was impulsive. I was hypersexual. I felt invincible. I just wanted to have fun. 

I didn't know he would burn me with a mini blow torch, or keep me chained up and intoxicated. 

But still, I blamed myself, because "sane" people don't go over to a complete stranger's house they met off of craigslist, and expect nothing bad to happen. 

This is why I need therapy. 

Meds stop the storm. But therapy helps rebuild everything the storm left destroyed. 

Schizoaffective Disorder vs BP 1

Sometimes it's not just bipolar.


That's what I learned recently, when I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. This was an unexpected depature from my former diagnosis of bipolar type 1 with psychotic features. The difference is with bipolar type 1, you can only have psychosis during your mood episodes of mania, mixed mania, or depression. With sza, you HAVE to have psychosis without having a mood episode at the same time to warrant a diagnosis.


There are other differences too. Schzioaffective disorder means you have a thought disorder (schizophrenia) and an affective disorder (major depression, or, in my case, bipolar) With schizophrenia, there are positive and negative symptoms. Positive symptoms involve psychosis related issues, like hallucinations, delusions, disorganized thinking, paranoia. Negative symptoms are different than depression, but can include some overlap. They include lack of motivation, apathy, blunted effect, poor eye contact, decreased functioning in social, occupational, or self care areas, transient inability to read/write or even speak, and so forth.


To summarize; I have poor functioning and experience psychosis even when not having a severe mood episode.


Should I change the name of my blog? I don't think so. I still have bipolar, just with a twist. Because I drew the short straw. Like a really, really, reeeeeally short straw.


If you have bipolar but experience hallucinations even when not having a mood episode, please talk to your doctor about the possibility of schizoaffective. The treatment is largely the same (mood stablizers, anti-psychotics, anti-depressants...) but with more focus on anti-psychotics, as you will need one even if your mood is stable.


Take care and be well everyone!


Till next time,

The Intrepid Traveler

Can you Cure Yourself Through Willpower?

I see it time and time again. The same posts. The same complaints. “You wouldn't tell someone with a physical illness to cure themselves through willpower, so why would you say that to a person with a mental illness???” And I get it. Popular examples of this include telling a person with mania to calm down, a person with depression to get over it and cheer up, and a person with anxiety to just relax. Having been subjected to all these attempts at help many times, I totally understand the frustration. But at what point DOES willpower come into play?

Now, I'm not suggesting that anything can be “cured” through willpower. I have an illness that requires medication for the rest of my life. But I think the willpower issue is more complex than “there's nothing that can be done”.

Mental Illness requires willpower. Willpower to get out of bed. Willpower to take your meds, go to therapy, make your appointments. Willpower to meditate, pray, eat right, exercise, do your breathing exercises. Sometimes you do need to calm down, cheer up, and just relax. Sometimes you gotta fight, and while you shouldn't feel judged or be verbally reprehended for experiencing symptoms, you also shouldn't just lie down and let your body be under siege.

I guess my point is, don't underestimate the strength of willpower. We ARE strong. We are not passive victims, any more than those with physical illnesses are. Whatever type of illness you have, we require our inner fortitude to come out and play hard.

We may not be able to cure ourselves, but we can sure put up one hell of a fight.

Q&A

Send me your questions! :D I'm doing a Q&A video for my youtube channel on bipolar! Here is the link Bipolar Youtube Channel

Thanks guys!!! <3

Why is it so hard to be med compliant?

Bipolar peeps know all about this one; how difficult it can be sticking with your meds. People around you get frustrated when you're off your meds. To them, it may seem basic math simple. Take meds, act less crazy. Go off meds, act more crazy. Right? Well...

The truth, as the truth often is, far more complex than that. When these same people are questioned as to why they don't take a multi-vitamin or birth control or blood pressure meds, they usually have the same response; "well, I just don't like putting anything 'unnatural' in my body". Or, the straightforward, "I just don't like taking meds." People also tend to not like exercise, eat healthy food, and eat junk food in moderation. People like to smoke and drink alcohol. Maybe you can see where I'm getting with this. People don't always follow a doctor's advice, are frequently resistant to and even afraid of medication, and don't always make the quote on quote "best choices" for themselves. It's part of the human condition.

So acting like a bipolar person is defiant, ridiculous, and even stupid for going off their meds is at best hypocritical. But lets dive deeper. Why would a person with bipolar stop taking meds?

1. It can be hard to remember. Many of us have multiple meds taken at multiple times. Do you know how hard that can be to keep track of?
2. Meds have bad side effects. Oh yes, on paper mental health trumps enormous weight gain, but in reality you know what makes you depressed? Swelling like a balloon in an air pump. Having your clothes seemingly shrink to the size of a doll, that's how far away they are from fitting your new figure. You know what also sucks? The million and one other side effects from meds, like nausea, dizziness, sleeping all the time, and inability to achieve an orgasm. Yea. Back to the depression thing.
3. Meds are scary. You heard me. Meds ARE scary. Especially ones that are intended to mess with your brain. Your brain! That very important organ that kinda defines everything about who you are (assuming we leave religion out of this).
4. Accepting yourself vs your illness, and separating the two. This kind of ties back into number 3. It can be really difficult and emotionally draining to see yourself in a new light, or to feel like parts of your innate nature need to be medicated into oblivion.
5. Meds aren't a cure. It's not unusual for family members to act like, well, game over, meds are in your system, now you are cured and everything should be supreme. Nope! A bipolar person, or anyone one with an MI for that matter, can still experience symptom flares. Despite taking medication, I still have manicky moments where I think I would do better without my meds.

So, in moments of forgetfulness, depression over side effects, fear, uncertainty, or leak through symptoms, sometimes the bipolar person goes off their meds for a day, or a week, or a month. Now, not every bipolar person will experience symptoms and some will blend in seamlessly with all the people. But some truly need to be on meds. We all know this. And it does suck when a person who needs meds is off of them. It sucks to be around, it sucks to live with, it plain sucks. I get it. But lets try a little compassion and empathy for someone who is struggling with a serious illness that plays tricks and fights dirty.

Now I have to go. It's time to take my meds.

The New Bipolar

Why the title "The New Bipolar"? Because historically, bipolar disorder in popular media has been depicted so negatively it's comical. Those struggling with the disorder are presented to be raging maniacs with little to 0 likability; the words selfish, self-deluded, and crazy come to mind. But what is it really like to live with bipolar disorder? In this blog I will be honest with some of the little talked about symptoms, and share the truth of the challenges and obstacles we face. I will give a new face to a much discussed but ultimately little known illness. This is the New Bipolar. Thank you for joining me on the journey.