Why I Need Therapy

At the hospital, my Doctor said most of my problems (ie schizoaffective disorder) were chemical, so going to therapy is optional. Here is why I disagree...this is why I need therapy.

Once you've seen, heard, and felt demons dragging you to hell, your mind will never again be the same. It doesn't matter how many damn anti-psychotics you throw at it, you can't undue the damage.

Just like you can't erase your self injury scars from depression, or retract the memories of stealing, lying, cheating, spending, or drugging from your risky manic days. 

I think that's why therapy is so crucial. Even when the meds have corrected the imbalances and created a stasis, the wreckage is still left behind, and it takes more than time to heal those wounds. 

 I still am scared to look in the shadows lest I see a monster; I'm still terrified the mumbles in my head will once again get loud and clear and demonic and tell me to kill myself. 

 I still fear one morning I'll wake up and not want to get out of bed....ever, ever again. 

I'm afraid of the times when I didn't shower for weeks or feel anything, really. I'm traumatized by the days I lost my ability to read and words came out scrambled in my brain and in my mouth. 

I wish time were enough. But for me, it just isn't. Once, pre-medication, pre-diagnosis, when I was manic, I met a man 30 years older than me on craigslist. He abused me repeatedly and for years I blamed myself, because I was "stupid" and let myself get taken advantage of. I was impulsive. I was hypersexual. I felt invincible. I just wanted to have fun. 

I didn't know he would burn me with a mini blow torch, or keep me chained up and intoxicated. 

But still, I blamed myself, because "sane" people don't go over to a complete stranger's house they met off of craigslist, and expect nothing bad to happen. 

This is why I need therapy. 

Meds stop the storm. But therapy helps rebuild everything the storm left destroyed.